Little known computer languages

[bzf at psuvm.UUCP]

    A friend of mine at Carnegie-Mellon sent me the following list of "lesser
known" computer languages:


     
Basic, Fortran, Cobol . . . These programming languages are well-known
and (more or less) well-loved throughout the computer industry.  There
are numerous other languages, however, that are less well-known yet
still have ardent devotees.  In fact, these little-known languages
generally have the most fanatic admirers.  For those who wish to know
more about these obscure languages - and why they are obscure - I
present the following catalog.

SIMPLE
SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Mono-purpose Programming
Linguistic Environment.  This language, developed at the Hanover
College for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible
to write code with errors in it.  The statements are therefore
confined to BEGIN, END, and STOP.  No matter how you arrange the
statements, you can't make a syntax error.

Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful.  thus they achieve the
results of programs written in other languages without the tedious,
frustrating process of testing and debugging.

SLOBOL
SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they
compile, SLOBOL commpilers allow you to take a trip to Bolivia to pick
up the coffee.  Forty-three programmers are known to have died of
boredom sitting at their terminal while waiting for a SLOBOL program
to compile.  Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but
infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.

VALGOL (With special thanks to Dan and Betsy "Moon Unit" Pfau)
>From its modest beginnings in southern California's San Fernando
Valley, VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the
industry.

VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y$KNOW.  Variables are
assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators.  Other operators
include the "CALIFORNIA BOOLEANS":  FERSURE and NOWAY.  Repititions of
code are handled in FOR-SURE loops.  Here is a sample VALGOL program:

                14 LIKE, Y$KNOW (I MEAN) START
                %% IF
                PI A =LIKE BITCHEN AND
                01 B =LIKE TUBULAR AND
                9  C =LIKE GRODY**MAX
                4K (FERSURE)**2
                18 THEN
                4I FOR I=LIKE 1 TO OH MAYBE 100
                86 DO WAH + (DITTY**2)
                9  BARF(I) =TOTALY GROSS(OUT)
                -17 SURE
                1F LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
                ?  REALLY
                $$ LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)

VALGOL is characterized by its unfriendly error messages.  For
example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays
the message, GAG ME WITH A SPOON!

LAIDBACK
Historically, VALGOL is a derivative of LAIDBACK, which was developed
at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, Mellowness, and
Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more intense atmosphere
in nearby Silicon Valley.

The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
while they worked.  Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there
for long, since the center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of
bean curd and Perrier.

Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a
gentle and nonthreatening language.  For example, LAIDBACK responded
to syntax errors with the message, SORRY MAN, I CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT.

SARTRE
Named after the late existential philosopher.  SARTRE is an extremely
unstructured language.  Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they
just are there.  Thus, SARTRE programs are left to define their own
functions.  SARTRE  programmers tend to be boring and depressed and
are no fun at parties.

FIFTH
FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
refer to quantity.  The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and
JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM, and
BLOTTO.  commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY,
CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND.

The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
financial status of its users.  Commands in the ELITE dialect include
VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH
and RIPPLE.  The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
who end up using the language.

C-
This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class.  C-
is best described as a "Low-level" programming language.  In fact, the
language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code
statements to execute a given task.  In this respect, it is very
similar to COBOL.

LITHP
This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the abscence
of an "s" in its character set.  Programmers and users must
substitute "TH".  LITHP is thaid to be utheful in prothething lithtths.

DOGO
Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training.  DOGO
heralds a new era of computer-literate pets.  DOGO commands include
SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER.  An innovatve feature of DOGO is
"PUPPY GRAPHICS", in which a cmall cocker spaniel leaves a deposit as
he travels across the screen.
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    I would be interested in hearing from anyone who can report on any other
little known languages in use out there.

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               Dave Bealer                     BZF @ PSUVM  (Bitnet)
               Student Operator/Consultant
               PSU/Capitol Campus Computer Center
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